No I’ve not disappeared off the face of the earth; I’m still alive and kinking (that was deliberate btw, not my normal spelling mistake) - I’ve just not been in the right frame of mind to write anything over the last week. Not depressed, depression means something different to me. Just feeling a bit low.

Lots of different little things that have brought my mood down and I’ve discussed them with Scally and Pooks but nothing really has happen outside normal day to day life, nothing to account for the mood swings. What with that and the fact that I’ve been sleeping such a lot lately and my emotions have been rocketing from very snappy to very teary at times, a few warning bells have been going off.

I have a history of depression; I’m very open about it, as anyone who has read this blog on any regular basis will know. It was the ultimate reason for starting the blog – somewhere to just voice my feelings. By expressing them they are out in the open, no longer buried inside. Of course it’s not always the easiest of things to do, hence nothing for the last week.

Unfortunately the mood means that instead of talking about it, you turn in on yourself. The time to worry isn’t when you have a moment of self pity or a good old moan (as Scally said, both of those are perfectly normal and everyone does it occasionally), it’s when stop talking altogether, shut the door on the world.

To me depression is no different from some other illness or infection that reoccurs once in a while, although Thrush is a dam sight easier to get rid of and you can have such fun with yoghurt! The dark shadows can often be found lurking in background, most of the time I can push them away, but when I get low I’m more aware that without care they could suffocate me again.

I’ve had what I class as three major episodes of depression in my life, starting in my late teens and I’ve learnt to recognise the signs. There are signs and triggers – but everyone is different. Some people can recognise the signs and do something about it themselves, others need help. Strategies that may work at times, don’t always work and ultimately medication is needed. No two people are the same and no two episodes are the same. Each to our own, the only thing we all have in common are those dark shadows.

Depression scares people, they aren’t comfortable with it. Sometimes I think it’s because they don’t know what to say to you, other times I wonder if they think it’s catching. You can feel people take a mental step back – in a way it’s a similar reaction to that of grief. The look and body language of people say it all; please don’t talk to me about it, pretend it never happened, talk about everything else but the thing that is staring everyone in the face. Uncomfortable, embarrassed. I think the most annoying thing for me is the opinion that you must be weak willed, because nothing could be further from the truth.

Anyway, for now at least my mood has lifted and my sense of humour is fighting back; this weekend we’ve been out and about a lot more. I decided that my walks are more important to my health than the swelling and discomfort I get in my knee. I can deal with that with the help of a knee support, ice pack and pain killers. Getting out and about helps keep my shadows at bay, for the moment at least.

It’s made me realise how much getting out of the house and spending time with just Himself is significant to my mental well being, how much pleasure and happiness I get from the places we visit and the photo’s I take.

I tried to explain to Pooks what I get from my walks, that the colours of the trees and fields affect me – she kindly didn’t mock the afflicted (for a change) – but agreed with me. Certainly if you look on the internet there are web pages galore about it, so there must be something in it.

++++

So to this weekend and the chance to get out and about again, sod my knee; we’ve been on a walk across the old rifle range.

Back to Birmingham and a visit to the Sealife Centre.

This time there were no queues; just lots of petty (I was going to correct this after I noticed it, but it made me laugh so I've left it) fishes and sea creatures.

My favourite room had to be the Ray Pool – a large glass tank which you could walk completely around or stand on the wooden step to look inside. The Rays come to the surface and stick there noses out of the water – it’s just as if they are looking back at you.

Then back to Birmingham Art Gallery and Museum, we still didn’t get all the way around. The thing that amazed me was the fact that I was looking at paintings by Gainsborough, Reynolds, Constable and Rossetti, all names that I knew well – but not behind glass or with ropes in front of them, just hung on the walls, I could get as close as I liked (yes, I know that you are meant to view them from a distance, I did that as well). And I still got away with talking some pictures although I'm pretty sure I wasn't meant to, I just made sure that the attendant was looking the other way at the time.

Miss Isabella Franks (c1775) by Thomas Gainsborough