I’m a firm believer in recording things for posterity, especially unusual occurrences, so with that in mind I would like to record that whilst reading Chris’s blog yesterday I found *pause for dramatically effect* a spelling mistake. Yes, that’s right, a spelling mistake. No, not a typo – which to be honest, I’d pointed out to him once before but he was having none of it – but an actual spelling mistake; there was a letter missing. Granted he had spelt the word correctly in the previous sentence, but beggars can’t be choosers, so I’m taking what’s on offer. How the mighty have fallen – yes I know I make spelling mistakes; you only have to read my blog to know that. Let’s be honest here, I manage to make up complete new words or use the wrong word altogether – but that’s one of the little things that they love about me, especially when reviewing my stories or reading my emails. I’m not being smug, I’m just helping him to remain focused, out of the kindness of my heart, you understand. I’m such a kind and considerate person.

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Well autumn is showing it’s head at last, there was a bit of a nip to the air this morning and the leaves have started to change colour on the trees outside my window. I love this time of year, walking thought the piles of fallen leaves, smoky bonfires, gathering chestnuts – which I don’t eat myself, but Tracy is quite partial to. Unfortunately after eating them, she experiences a few side effects. Namely wind – very smelly wind – I can’t help but feel sorry for her husband, Richard, especially as he has to sleep with her. We went to look at Walsall Lights one year (http://www.walsall-lights.com/index_Flash.htm), yes, that’s right, Himself’s idea. Whilst we were walking around Tracy – how shall I put this – had an attack of flatulence. God did it stink, a gentleman stood close by looking at one displays even mentioned it to his wife – he wasn’t sure what the smell was, maybe the sewerage he said, looking around. He then took a step backwards and fell over a small hedge. We very quickly walked away and then nearly died laughing. You know, the sort of laugh that really hurts; your bent over double but hardly a sound comes out, tears running down your face. Rich came over to us and said not to worry - the man had got up again – he wasn’t hurt – if we were at all bothered that was. When we could eventually speak, we informed him that of course we were bothered – we’d moved away so he couldn’t see us laughing at him after all.

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Just so you know that as well as laughing at other people’s misfortunes, I’m well able to laugh at my own, I’ll tell you about the time I went to Drayton Manor (http://www.draytonmanor.co.uk/) with our Mobile Service Team – a group of men with different types of learning disabilities. Once we got there we arranged a time to meet for lunch – some split into little groups and headed off, but most decided they’d stay with Pat and myself. Now I think that I ought to mention at this point that Pat is one of those strange people that love theme park rides – the faster the better. So the very first ride we headed for was Apocalypse – which basically lifts you up 54 metres in the air, stops, tips you forward by twenty degrees so you are hanging there by the shoulder restraints – there’s no footrest – and then shoots up back down to earth with incredible force. Well, with my problems with heights, it wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had – but everyone else was going on and they kept on at me- so up we go, me muttering under my breath – it sounded a lot like a prayer. I couldn’t decide whether it was better to have my eyes open or shut. It was awful, I’d have screamed but the shear force took my breath away. When we got off my legs could hardly hold me and I felt shaky and sick. Wasn’t that good they all said, lets have another go – Yes, you do that, I’ll just stand here – holding tightly to this fence – and watch. So off they went and I spent a few minutes thinking the ride didn’t look as awful as it felt when you were on the ground.

Pat then announced that we ought to have a go on Maelstrom. OK, this didn’t look to bad – yes, you’d think I’d have learnt something wouldn’t you - I didn’t think Apocalypse was that bad from the ground and I been on the ride by that stage. This time you sat in a circle, looking outwards. It’s a bit like a big pendulum, swinging you back and forward getting higher each time. It also spins you around and around at the same time. I didn’t like it - I knew I didn’t like it about 4 seconds after it started - and I couldn’t get off. This time I resorted to screaming and keeping my eyes tightly shut. Bad move – it made me feel very dizzy and even sicker. At last it stopped and I dismounted. Hell’s bell’s, did I feel ill – everyone noticed as well – there was a slight tinge to my skin tone. I decide that it was one of those times that I fancied a cup of tea, so I brought one and sat on a bench watching everyone else enjoy the rides. Half an hour later I was feeling a bit better so decided to try again – yes, what a plonker. Maybe we could all have a go on one of the family rides – no restraints needed – that sort of ride. OK, everyone up for that, so we decided on Splash Canyon, the white water rapids. A bit bumpy, but nothing much to it really.

So, on we got, Pat, myself and 6 clients. OK, my illness had obviously impaired my judgement – because it was a bit choppy out there – and I was very soon feeling seasick. Very, very, seasick. I fought with my stomachs desire to relieve itself of the cup of tea I’d just drank for most of the way round. I turned green, Pat said, he didn’t know people actually did that. Unfortunately by this time I knew I had lost the battle, my stomach was having none of it; the tea would have to go. Now, once on this ride you can’t get off, so basically I had two choices: I could throw up on the floor or stick my head over the side and throw up in the water. The water seemed the better idea. I offered a brief apology and stuck my head over the side and ‘Ralfed ’ to a load of cheering from my fellow raft mates. All I can say is thank God we’d already gone past the part where the camera takes your picture. Because they have brought it…probably in duplicate…and I’d have never lived it down. I was ribbed mercilessly as it was – it was funny through – and I did feel a lot better afterwards.

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I got my own back on Tracy last night while we were shopping, the opportunity just arose. She had left her trolley in one of the isles and gone back because she had forgotten something. I moved it to the end of the isle so that it couldn’t be seen and continued my shopping. I watched her walk up and down a few times and waited for her to come up to me. Had I seen her trolley? she said. I should have won an Oscar for my performance. I even helped her look for it. Chelsea had to walk away on the pretence of looking. She was trying so hard not to laugh and I thought she was going to give me away, but Trace didn’t notice. I suggested that whilst we looked around, she should speak to Customer Service, maybe a member of staff had thought it had been abandoned – they wouldn’t have unpacked it yet. She went off muttering to herself up to the Customer Service desk and I waited until a member of staff started to look for it with her. I then got Chelsea to wheel it over to them. She’d just found it, she said, someone must have moved it. I, in the mean time, am out of sight and nearly wetting myself laughing.

Before you feel too sorry for her, I’ll just tell you about the time we were on holiday. After a little jug of sangria I fell asleep sunbathing. In a premeditated act and it must have been premeditated, who else takes lipstick onto the beach – she drew a big smiley face on my back. I didn’t know it was there until I got back to the apartment and Himself asked me if I wanted him to wash it off whilst I was showering. So I think we are pretty evenly matched.