Will you look at the time I’ve posted this! I think I’ve had about two hours sleep all night and if anyone upsets me whilst I’m running the payroll today I’ll probably get arrested for GBH. So errors today are down to my lack of sleep - you're amazing at just how many excuses I have for my spelling and grammar, aren't you?

I went to bed quite early for me, about 11ish and then spent till 12.30 tossing and turning, that new duvet is too thick and I was too hot. I got up, pushed the window open further and then switched the fan on. Ten minutes after that the cat comes through the window with something making a squealing noise. I shot out of bed, nearly broke my neck falling over her in the dark whilst trying to get to the light switch.

At least that made her drop her prey and the light coming on dazzled it. I’m not a 100% sure, but 80% of me reckons that the evil sod had brought a baby wren into the house. Fully feathered but not quite flying. I quickly picked it up.

So I struggled into my dressing grown, pushed my feet into my trainers – yes, absolutely stunning I looked. Just you wait and see, I’m starting a new craze. Or I’m crazy, that probably closer to the mark. I shoved the cat into the front room, unlocked the front door and walked outside. I could hear a bird calling out loud over the road. So I wandered over and put the fledgling in the long grass and left it – with a bit of luck after I disappeared it would respond to the call if it was its mother. Failing that it was well hidden with lots of bugs to eat. So let cat out of living room (she'd only scratch at the door) back upstairs, washed hands, undressed and went back to bed.

The cat then jumps on the bed and does that thing that all cats do when they want feeding – she made a nuisance of herself. Head butting me, jumping on imaginary things under the duvet, tapping my face with her paw and then, and this was the one that got me up again, started to empty the sock drawer. She has this thing about pulling drawers open; she gets her claws out and sort of scratches the sides until its open enough to squeeze her body inside. She then pushes all the contents onto the floor and goes up from inside to the drawer above and works on that one. Left to her own devises she can wreak a bedroom if the mood takes her. Easier to just get up again and feed her, anyone with any sense would have done it at the same time as saving the bird. Well I've never said I had any sense.

So I eventually settle down and drop off to sleep. I woke about an hour later to the sound of voices outside; to start with I thought it was someone shouting. The clock by the bed said it was now 2.15, so I’d been asleep about an hour. Getting out of bed yet again I looked out of the window. Full moon last night, so although it was dark I could still see the four teenagers weaving their way down the road – two boys and two girls – pissed as newts. Or whatever the saying is.

I got back into bed, I can’t believe how loud they sounded, their voices were echoing. So for the next half an hour, that's how long it look them to get from the top of the road to the bottom of the road and out of earshot range, I got to listen to them laughing, screaming, nearly falling over the step of the pavement (good save by one of the lads), trying to recite the alphabet backwards, which let's be honest takes a bit of thinking about when sober, and finally reciting their times tables. They failed at that miserably too – I don’t know what schools teach these days but obviously not the 12 x's table. 5 x 12's are 52 apparently according to them – they then all argued about this revolution and decided on something easier – the 1 x times. They still struggled badly.

Just as I was dropping off to sleep again I started hearing a tinkerly noise about every five minutes, it look me another ten minutes trying to track it down. It turned out to be Himself’s mobile telling the whole world that the battery needed charging – the whole world that is but Himself, who didn’t stopped snoring his head off all night. I wandered downstairs and found his charger and then wandered back up again and put the phone on charge – just you wait until the next time I get a bollocking over my phone.

Eventually I dropped off again, must have been about 5.30ish. The alarm goes off at 6.30 and himself very kindly wakes me up to inform me that there must be a mouse under the suitcase in the corner as the cat is sat looking at it. The little sod must have gone out of the window again and brought it back in when I dropped off to sleep. Heaven forbid that swine of a husband does something about it himself. Oh no, he just goes downstairs. I lifted the case up and the mouse shot out from underneath it like a bullet from a gun – there was no way I could catch it.

Out the door, across our small landing and through the banister railings, landing halfway down on the stairs below. The cat is younger than me, fitter than me and no where near as tired as me. She got there first.

Now from past experience Lucy is fully aware that I take all of her play friends off her, and although she may have misplaced this one for a while, no way is she letting me near it now. I’m a spoil sport after all.

Himself in the meantime decides to wind me up some more by opening the downstairs door to enquire if I want a cup of tea. Now come on, I bet everyone who has read this blog for any amount of time knows that I don’t drink tea very often and certainly never in the morning. This man has been married to be for nearly 23 years, so I can only presume he said it to wind me up and release my inner bitch.

The cat with the mouse in her mouth shot passed him into the front room and I lost my temper slightly at his sheer stupidity. The cat then let the fecking mouse go and it disappeared underneath the TV cabinet – it’s still there. It wants to see if day time television is really as bad as everyone makes out.

The stand is just too heavy to move, so I’ve left the cat on guard, she’ll catch it again eventually. Anyway, I didn’t have time to do anything about it I was in full argument with Himself over it – apparently it’s my fault for leaving the window open, I’ve been told enough times and nothing at all to do with the fact that he offered me a cup of tea. Isn’t marriage a wondrous thing?