I hate to think just how many mistakes you'll find in this, and to be honest I don't care. It hasn't been the easiest thing to write but I've shared many things here and I've always been open and honest. Those that know me would tell you that what you find here is the real me, the good and the bad, so I guess you'll have to read around the errors this time.

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I haven’t felt like blogging over the last few days. Himself’s Brother’s dog, Millie, stopped with us last week whilst they were on holiday. She’s never any trouble to look after and has always treated us as an extension of her own family. We allow her liberties that even our own dogs don’t get, such as sleeping on our bed with the cat at night. A very loving little dog with a massive personality, everyone who met her fell in love with her.

They picked her up on Saturday afternoon; she was so pleased to see them. Jumping around and walloping everyone with her stuffed toy reindeer. The toy itself was nearly as big as her. We got a call from Brother-in-law on Monday evening to say they’d taken her to the vets as she wasn’t herself, very quiet and off her food. The vet thought she’d got a virus and they wanted to warn us to keep an eye on our dogs.

Tuesday brought a phone call from my sister-in-law, she taken Millie back to the vets as she was still worried. She didn’t think it was virus and after examination the vet agreed. She was having problems breathing and her temperature had risen. The vet wanted to know if there was any possibility that she could have eaten rat poison. She’d had to ring me to ask if there was even a remote possibility.

We’d only taken her down the fields once and watched her the whole time, jumping around in the long grass; just enjoying herself. Other than that she’d only been in our garden. I couldn’t see how she could have swallowed any.

I went around and asked the neighbours if they’d put anything down, but everyone said no. Mean while Millie deteriorated further – her lungs had filled with fluid and she was bleeding internally; nothing they could do seem to stop it.

I pulled our garden apart, lifted slabs, looked behind the shed and knocked down all of the stinging nettles that were behind it. My arms were covered in an angry red rash where I’d been stung but I still couldn’t find a sign of anything. Himself came home and did exactly the same, with the same results. We couldn’t find any poison. I spoke to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law countless times, as did Himself through Wednesday and Today. The vet had kept Millie in to try and control the bleeding and make sure she had fluids. They had taken blood and were waiting for the results. On every occasion they made a point of saying that we shouldn’t blame ourselves, Millie had been fine right up to Monday afternoon. But you can’t help it, rat poison can take several days to take affect which would have meant that she’d eaten it whilst stopping with us.

Nothing they said or anyone else said made the blind bit of difference to how we were feeling, they’d left their dog with us and we should have been able to keep her safe – we’d let them down and we’d let Millie down. And worse of all we didn’t know how, how could they ever trust us again? We thought of everything, maybe Lucy had caught a mouse that had been poisoned and brought it through the window at night, Millie could have eaten it. Logic told us that wasn’t the case, Millie was a fussy eater and not at all greedy. Lucy had brought a mouse in earlier in the week and left it by Himself’s side of the bed – Millie hadn’t touched that one, why would she eat another that had been caught? But at times like that you gasp at straws, you need to find an answer.

Just after lunch time today, Himself's brother rang him to say that they were on the way to the vets, Millie wasn’t getting any better - if anything she was worse and they didn’t want her to suffer. The time had come to put her to sleep. Unfortunately they didn’t get there in time, she passed away before they even had time to say goodbye.

It’s bad enough having to come to terms with losing a pet that has had it’s full life. To think that it shouldn’t have happen is even worse. She wasn’t that old. The whole family was devastated and both Himself & I were over come with guilt.

Himself’s brother obviously knew what we were doing to ourselves because whilst my sister-in-law was still on the phone to the vet, he rang us from his mobile. The results of the blood test had come through. Millie hadn’t been poisoned, it was no one’s fault and no one could have saved her. She was suffering from a form of Autoimmune Disease. Basically her own immune system had gone astray and attacked her own body and red blood cells.

After she’d finished speaking to the vet my sister-in-law came on the phone to say once again she’d never blame us. She told us that she knew how much we thought of her dog and that if she had been poison it would have been just a terrible accident. She was only too glad that Millie had been with us last week and not in some boarding kennel – her last week had been a good one. They’d also got to spend a couple of days with her themselves before she was taken ill.

Now at least we can all grieve without any guilt attached, because although she wasn’t our dog a small part of her belonged to us. We’re going to miss her and her funny little ways. We’ve enjoyed all the times during the past years that she's stayed with us. And if anyone ever says to you that it's just an animal, you shouldn't get upset - then I would question just what sort of person they are. The love pets give you is unconditional and not something that should be viewed as worthless. Many a lesson in love can be learnt from animals, often when humans fear to tread.

It makes you realise just how fragile life is; it can be taken away so quickly and without warning. A lesson in living each day and making the most of it because you just don’t know what's around the corner.