For today’s blog I thought we could all go for a walk. Why? Because I said so, that's why. No, don’t moan, I’m not going to listen. You all spend far too much time sat glued to your computer screens, it's not very healthy, now is it? A breath of fresh air will do you all the world of good.

Now has everyone been to the toilet? And you at the back, for God’s sake change your shoes – you can’t walk in those, you’ll twist your ankle and I’m not giving you a piggy back ride home. Right. Are we all ready? Off we go then.

We'll start off our walk by the village hall and cross the field behind it. You'll notice or you would if you stopped arguing and paid attention for a change that the whole field is covered in wild pansies or viola tricolor if you prefer. Yes, OK - I may not have noticed them either in the past but that's what a camera does for you.

We’ll carry on down the field then, please make sure that you stay on the grass verge. It’s called Setaside.

No, the farmer hasn’t left it so the rabbits will have something to eat. Yes OK – the rabbits could eat it if they wanted to. Look, why don’t you just click the link and you can read all about it. It may shut you up for a while and the rest of us will get a bit of peace.

Under the fir trees.


Pardon? It reminds you of a song you used to sing at Brownies? We're all going on a bear hunt?

Yes, that's very nice dear, I'm sure we'd all love to hear you sing it. You want us to join in too? You would, wouldn't you.





Across the next field, please try to stay together and you pair at the back stop lagging behind. Yes, I can see what you're doing and if you don't put them straight away I'm going to take them off you.

Yes dear, there are a lot of fields, aren't there? It's because we're in the countryside - you'll find that they're all over the place around here. No dear, there is not such a thing as field bears, everyone is perfectly safe.




Be careful climbing over the stile and no pushing or someone is going to get hurt.

Who’s trodden on your fingers? Say sorry please. No, I’m sure she didn’t do it on purpose, it was an accident. No, it was an accident. It had nothing at all to do with the fact you wouldn’t join in with the bear hunting song.



Yes, it is another field, aren't you observant? I bet they just loved you at Brownies. No, this one doesn't have grass for the bunnies, the farmer is growing wheat in it instead.


Well no, it doesn't look much like Weetabix at the moment. Oh, and he told you he ate three Weetabix for breakfast did he? No I don't believe him either.



We’re now entering Blue Bell Wood. No, there aren’t any Blue Bells at the moment because it’s too early in the year. No, there are no bears either. It’s an English wood.

Well yes, you do have a point there. There are plenty of creatures that do frequent woods. Oh, him. Yes, he has been known to turn up when least expected but as long as you don’t put your backpack on the ground I’m sure your sandwiches and cake will be safe. Well, relatively sure.



Watch you head on that tree.

What? I thought I told everyone to go before we left. You’ll have to go behind that bush. No, no one will look. Just hurry up please it’s starting to get dark and I don’t want to be wandering the countryside with you lot when it’s pitch black.

Yes, I’ve heard the saying, thank you. I’m sure no one wants to discuss what bears get up to in woods. NO, they don’t.



Passed the field with the horses in.

You’ve got what on your shoe? Wonderful. Just wipe your foot across the grass and it will come off. Oh for Goodness sake stop snivelling and don’t make such a fuss it’s only hay and grass after all. Well, mainly hay and grass.

Yes, it is starting to get dark. That’s because of all of the stops we’ve had to make. No dear, the bears don't come out in the dark to eat you all up - we're not that lucky.

You’ll just have to walk faster. No, I don’t care if your legs are aching, my head is aching but you don’t hear me moaning about it.

Across this stream and we’re nearly home.

No dear, I’m sure he didn’t push you in at all, you fell in deliberately. Well you're just going to have to walk across the last field in wet shoes. Maybe next time you won’t act the fool. Water bears indeed. You can just think yourself lucky that you didn't get a smack.

And just what sort of question is that supposed to be? I can assure you that it was just a pure fluke that we ended up here.

Have they gone? You’re sure? Thank the Gods for that. Pass me that drink and if I ever suggest such a thing again you have my permission to thump me.