We received the news yesterday that an ex-colleague had died in November, news doesn't always travel fast. Don had been part of our company from the beginning, even then he was well past retirement age; he’d continued working until seven years ago. He was a quiet man with a never ending supply of patience. He taught me a great deal including Sage accounts and payroll; he always gave me the impression that he felt I was good at what I did and that I could better myself further if I wanted to. He was incredibly loyal to our old Chef Executive Office. God knows why because she treated him appallingly especially during the last six months. Belittling him in front of staff – she even told him that he was going to have to retire in front of us. She was a right cow and didn’t have a clue how to manage people; she was ill mannered, rude and arrogant. Yes, you’re quite right I don’t think very highly of her.
She made my life hell and slowly over three year systemically destroyed my confidence. She elevated herself to Chef Executive and made sure that no one had anything to do with the Trustees. Although to my mind the Trustees were just as bad – they didn’t have a bloody clue what she was up to and considering that by law they are legally responsible for the company, they were just as much to blame for the position she got us into. Complete idiots. I don’t have a lot of faith in them either.
She undermined everything I did. She’d ask me to do something and no matter how many times I checked back with her during the process she’d still tear me to pieces when I presented the findings. It was never right, never quite what she had asked me to do, why hadn’t I listen? Look at all the time I'd wasted. I was always left feeling stupid, humiliated and bloody angry.
I remember an occasion when she’d written a cutting letter to one of our major funders demanding money that she said we were owed. She used old information and didn’t check with me first; they owed nothing at that point. She tore me to shreds – I didn’t get a chance to defend myself. Her face went crimson and spittle shot out of her mouth as she shouted. I'd made her look a fool, she said. No, I didn't point out that she could manage that all by herself. That was half the problem; I didn't stand up for myself, I hated arguements. I’d like to say that incident was a one off but it wasn’t. I seemed to end up going head to head with her most days and I dreaded it. If you did manage to get your point across she had a way of dealing with that too. She’d insinuate that you’d misunderstood and then joke about it. She always ended the sentence with a funny little laugh. I can’t tell you how much that grated over time. She’d insult you, joke about it and then titter. There were times when I longed to just slap her.
She always had to have the last word and it was never a good one. I don’t remember her ever saying to me - well done, good job or even thank you. She always said that as people were being paid to do the job they shouldn't expect thanks. She’d scribble over everything in red pen; it didn’t matter if what she said made sense as long as she could make a point, she had to prove she was in charge. She didn’t have a clue on how to manage a company and the debts grew around her. I lost so much sleep worrying about bills. I’d be robbing Peter to pay Paul in order to get enough money for the wages and she be ordering new blinds for the meeting room. She wouldn’t listen to reason no matter what you said. She was in charge and this was her empire.
Looking back now I wonder why I stayed there. I suppose mainly because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to move on. Grief was kicking in along with depression and I no longer had the confidence in my abilities to think that my skills were transferable, or that anyone else would want me. She was paid off in the end and I’m not going into that because once again the Trustee were incompetent.
She left her mark on me through. For a start she destroyed my confidence. I was physically sick the first day I was due to go to college - Sandy thought going there would help me recognise just how much I already knew and how important my role was to the company. I tired everything I could think of to get her to change her mine, she wasn't having it through - I was going even if she had to drive me herself. I was extremely lucky to have such a good manager who supported me. Of course she had first hand knowledge of working with the Chief Exec and the cow treated everyone the same way, it was just unfortunate that I had to deal with her every day. I think college was the first step I took in getting control of my life back.
I didn’t get as far as the car park on the first week, I couldn't stop throwing up. The second week was just as difficult; I sat in the car for ages trying to build up the courage to go in. Then, thank God, my luck changed. I sat next to a lady who had worked in a factory all her life and now wanted to change careers. She was so totally down to earth that I didn’t feel intimidated. I still found it very difficult at times; especially when we had to give a presentation in front of the class. It use to amazing me that people felt I was confident because I most definitely didn’t feel it.
My ability to argue with just about everyone started about the same time. I’m working on that one – at least I now realise why I do it. It’s awful to admit that you test people but once you’ve been bullied you lose a certain amount of trust. You look deeper to see if there’s a hidden agenda, you find it difficult to take people at face value. You never again want to put yourself into a position that allows someone to have control over you. I know I often argue for the sake of it and a lot of the time I don’t even recognised that I’m even doing it. Sometimes during a conversation I can feel the panic setting in; a throw away comment from someone that would mean nothing to most people fills me with dread. My stomach turns over and my hands start to shake. I never used to be like that, that woman changed how I view the world and the people in it. I most definitely don’t want to continue to feel this way and I suppose half of the solution is just recognising it. Mind you I haven’t fully worked out how the hell I’m going to stop doing it yet, because it’s partly a defence mechanism and I think that time and trust will have to play a part. That's if I haven’t fallen out with everyone in the mean time.
She made my life hell and slowly over three year systemically destroyed my confidence. She elevated herself to Chef Executive and made sure that no one had anything to do with the Trustees. Although to my mind the Trustees were just as bad – they didn’t have a bloody clue what she was up to and considering that by law they are legally responsible for the company, they were just as much to blame for the position she got us into. Complete idiots. I don’t have a lot of faith in them either.
She undermined everything I did. She’d ask me to do something and no matter how many times I checked back with her during the process she’d still tear me to pieces when I presented the findings. It was never right, never quite what she had asked me to do, why hadn’t I listen? Look at all the time I'd wasted. I was always left feeling stupid, humiliated and bloody angry.
I remember an occasion when she’d written a cutting letter to one of our major funders demanding money that she said we were owed. She used old information and didn’t check with me first; they owed nothing at that point. She tore me to shreds – I didn’t get a chance to defend myself. Her face went crimson and spittle shot out of her mouth as she shouted. I'd made her look a fool, she said. No, I didn't point out that she could manage that all by herself. That was half the problem; I didn't stand up for myself, I hated arguements. I’d like to say that incident was a one off but it wasn’t. I seemed to end up going head to head with her most days and I dreaded it. If you did manage to get your point across she had a way of dealing with that too. She’d insinuate that you’d misunderstood and then joke about it. She always ended the sentence with a funny little laugh. I can’t tell you how much that grated over time. She’d insult you, joke about it and then titter. There were times when I longed to just slap her.
She always had to have the last word and it was never a good one. I don’t remember her ever saying to me - well done, good job or even thank you. She always said that as people were being paid to do the job they shouldn't expect thanks. She’d scribble over everything in red pen; it didn’t matter if what she said made sense as long as she could make a point, she had to prove she was in charge. She didn’t have a clue on how to manage a company and the debts grew around her. I lost so much sleep worrying about bills. I’d be robbing Peter to pay Paul in order to get enough money for the wages and she be ordering new blinds for the meeting room. She wouldn’t listen to reason no matter what you said. She was in charge and this was her empire.
Looking back now I wonder why I stayed there. I suppose mainly because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to move on. Grief was kicking in along with depression and I no longer had the confidence in my abilities to think that my skills were transferable, or that anyone else would want me. She was paid off in the end and I’m not going into that because once again the Trustee were incompetent.
She left her mark on me through. For a start she destroyed my confidence. I was physically sick the first day I was due to go to college - Sandy thought going there would help me recognise just how much I already knew and how important my role was to the company. I tired everything I could think of to get her to change her mine, she wasn't having it through - I was going even if she had to drive me herself. I was extremely lucky to have such a good manager who supported me. Of course she had first hand knowledge of working with the Chief Exec and the cow treated everyone the same way, it was just unfortunate that I had to deal with her every day. I think college was the first step I took in getting control of my life back.
I didn’t get as far as the car park on the first week, I couldn't stop throwing up. The second week was just as difficult; I sat in the car for ages trying to build up the courage to go in. Then, thank God, my luck changed. I sat next to a lady who had worked in a factory all her life and now wanted to change careers. She was so totally down to earth that I didn’t feel intimidated. I still found it very difficult at times; especially when we had to give a presentation in front of the class. It use to amazing me that people felt I was confident because I most definitely didn’t feel it.
My ability to argue with just about everyone started about the same time. I’m working on that one – at least I now realise why I do it. It’s awful to admit that you test people but once you’ve been bullied you lose a certain amount of trust. You look deeper to see if there’s a hidden agenda, you find it difficult to take people at face value. You never again want to put yourself into a position that allows someone to have control over you. I know I often argue for the sake of it and a lot of the time I don’t even recognised that I’m even doing it. Sometimes during a conversation I can feel the panic setting in; a throw away comment from someone that would mean nothing to most people fills me with dread. My stomach turns over and my hands start to shake. I never used to be like that, that woman changed how I view the world and the people in it. I most definitely don’t want to continue to feel this way and I suppose half of the solution is just recognising it. Mind you I haven’t fully worked out how the hell I’m going to stop doing it yet, because it’s partly a defence mechanism and I think that time and trust will have to play a part. That's if I haven’t fallen out with everyone in the mean time.
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Still no snow - only frost.
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