First and foremost Hic Draconis have updated. Cobweb & Gnome have some new stories and if you do decided to read them for heavens sake drop them a line. Awful things will happen to you if you don’t.

And it's no use praying to the Gods for help; I think they know most of them personally. You've been warned.

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Most of last night was spent lying in bed looking at the ceiling and running through my mind the conversation that would take place when I spoke to my manager the following day. Crunch time. I knew what had taken place over the last couple of days would pale into insignificance.

I was due to attend a Risk Register meeting this morning. I also had to run a claim. Not enough hours in the day to do both so I was going to have to speak to her and offer her a choice. Attend the meeting or run the claim.

Upon arriving at work I tracked her down and informed her of the situation. Interesting response. She said that she thought I'd arranged an extra day with the college to run that claim. Well yes, but that was to sort out the mess from last month - the college had introduced new paperwork and hadn’t told us. The trainers had to back date the paperwork and I needed to resubmit the new forms and the claim again. Double the work load this time. That extra day was nothing to do with this month’s claim – which was still a days worth of work at least. On top of which we had a software company coming in and I had to attend that meeting in the afternoon. It was my area and my responsibility.

I couldn’t afford to spend three hours of the day in a meeting. The news wasn’t taken very well. In fact it went pretty much as I expected, almost word for word. She gave me 'the face', snapped that she knew I was busy but I'd known about the meeting, I should have prepared for this. I agreed that I had known but I'd had to sort the mess out from last month and everything had then got knocked back time wise. She then said that Simon, one of the Team Managers, had disappeared with the builders and wasn't attending and now I was trying to get out of it too. I patiently explained that I could attend the meeting but it would mean a drop in the amount we claimed. This was then followed with a simple, 'well don't bother then' & she stormed off in a huff. The next 10 minutes were spent with her walking around with a face like thunder until she went into the meeting. Totally pissed off and didn’t I know it, she made sure of that.

Thank God for e-mail and the fact it’s instant because without the support I’d have walked out. As it was I spent half an hour in the loo. It felt like history was repeating itself, the memories it invoked brought floods of tears. I felt physically sick and couldn’t stop shaking. The old manta I used to repeat in my mind when I was having a panic attack came back to me. I kept telling myself to take deep breaths, I was safe and no one was going to hurt me. Even when I had managed to calm myself down I still had to stay there. I didn’t want anyone to see I’d been crying. Sympathy wasn’t what I wanted or for anyone to think I was behaving like this because I was tired or over worked.

This was the demon I need to conquer, the final stage in getting my life back – and also the hardest for a number of reasons. My nature for a start. I have a reputation in places for arguing but in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I run a mile from confrontation normally. The fact that it was work that pushed me over the edge to start with, not just my old manager but my work load. 13 hour days were the norm and I wasn’t going to start that again even if it did mean things failed to get finished in time. I needed to make a stand. The fact that I needed to be physically and mentally well again to even consider facing it and the changes that I needed to make. I’d left addressing this to last for all of those reasons and also because I was scared; I was frightened that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I wouldn’t have the strength to stand up for myself like I used to, to be able to fight my corner. I’d just panic and go to pieces.

As I explained in an e-mail today fear is often irrational. People are terrified of spiders – tiny little ones that can’t hurt them. They know that but they still can’t pick that spider up. Facing your fear and conquering it is hard and you really have to want to do it. So you have to reach that point by yourself, no one can help you get there – then the support you receive is what stops you backing down when the going gets tough.

The reassurance that you are not being unreasonable and that what you are experiencing isn’t irrationally or that your feelings are out of all proportion to the situation. That you aren’t being unfair or difficult or down right ockerd.

The support I've been given has been a life line over the past few days and I couldn't begin to express how grateful I am to all three of them, Scally, Cobweb & Chris. Saying thank you doesn't seem enough. I've turned instantly to them whenever anything happens. I replied on them being there and they have been. It's been an unwavering and constant reasurruring message they've sent. Today especially I held onto it for dear life and it gave me the determination not to back down against the emotional blackmail.

To end on a funnier note, I’m not sure if my manager had spoken to the Financial Controller (FC*) because at lunch time she did ask me if I wanted a sandwich as she was popping into town. I’ve come to the conclusion that they all think I’m ill and that I’m in need of hot drinks and food. You'd really think they'd know me better by now – no one so far has offered me any chocolate what so ever.

(*FC - According to Scally could stand for Fekking Creep.)