Himself was in a right snotty mood last night; just looking at his face would make small children cry. And the reason for his gurning – he hasn’t brought me a Christmas present yet. So we can all suffer. He keeps asking me what I want – if I knew that, I’d tell him. I’m not trying to be difficult – I honestly don’t know. He buys me things throughtout the year - I know he loves me, I'm not going to think any different if I don't get anything on Christmas Day, and why does it have to be a big present?

I suggested some of my favourite Thornton chocolates – Seville oranges. No, that wouldn’t do – I could buy them myself. Well, no actually I wouldn’t, even thought I like them, I very rarely buy myself Thornton chocolates.

He drove me nuts – it ended in one almighty argument; me going up like a bottle of pop and Himself left with a shell shocked expression on his face. I’m evil when I’m in that frame of mind – I’m not going to deny it. Funnily enough I’m at my most deadly when I go quiet - anyone who really knows me would see that as a warning sign, shame he didn't spot it. You’re quite safe when I being mouthy, wouldn’t hurt a fly.

I’m afraid I don’t do Christmas very well – and I was probably on the look out for an argument in order to cover up how I’m feeling, which in all probability Himself knew quite well. Christmas Day was always a special time that I spent with my mum. The anniversary of her Birthday and the anniversary of her death – don’t affect me. The build up to Christmas Day and it hits home big time.

My parents always came to us for Christmas dinner – Himself and my dad would pop out to the pub for an hour, leaving me and mum with the kids. Yes, we could have gone too if we had wanted, we didn't. They weren't particularly bothered themselves, we made them go.

It was a special time that we both cherished and became an integrated part of our Christmas Day. We’d drink a glass of sherry, eat a few Roses chocolates and basically just talk. A special hour spent together and one that came to mean a lot to both of us. It was part of our Christmas.

Six years on and I’m still at a total loss during that hour, I’ve tried different things over the years to get away from it – but nothing works. Funnily enough it’s the build-up to the day that gets me more than the actual day itself. I’m ultra sensitive during the week before hand – the slightest thing will set me off and it ultimately results in tears, which happen last night.

Himself felt bad that he’d upset me and I felt awful that he thought that, it wasn’t his fault really – I was looking for a reason to cry, any reason. Grief’s a funny thing – it effects people in different ways and over different periods of time. When you’ve lost someone important to you, there will always be occasions when it hits home, some little thing that triggers it. The build up to Christmas is mine.