Well, what a great day for conversation yesterday turned out to be. I snapped at Chris, if you can snap in an e-mail – well, I managed it. As soon as I hit the send button I regretted it. I apologised immediately, which he in turn accepted with his usual gentlemanly grace and what is even more surprising, he’s still speaking to me.

I then had a run in with a member of staff over MSN messenger being installed on their computer. I asked them politely to uninstall it and came back down to hear him slagging me off in front of the other members of the team. I didn’t quite rip his head off. I didn’t shout for a start, I was just a tad sharp, but he got the idea that if he had anything to say about me in future, he should say it to my face. My manager later had a word with me and basically said I should have ignored him and just spoken to his Team Leader. That’s right, it’s just fine for him to slag me off, but I’m not allowed to challenge him over it. So I’ll just be a door mat then shall I and let him walk all over me - fat chance. Just wait till he wants me to do something for him again, I’ve a long memory, he can get stuffed. I don’t normally hold grudges – it’s not a good idea, I’d have no one to speak to for a start. Grudges very rarely effect the other person, they usually only effect you, and what a waste of energy. I personally feel it’s better to just sort things out and start with a fresh slate, so to speak, but this time I’m willing to make an exception.

I don’t put a great deal of deep thought into what I say to Chris, mainly because its as if he’s in the same room speaking to me, its nearly instantaneous, emails flying up and down the country. I just reply and as I can let the barriers down with him and just be myself he’s getting the uncensored me. Which is fine 99% of the time, but yesterday triggered memories, memories that I’ve never dealt with. And we all have those. I couldn’t do anything about them at the time, and I’m sure to God, I can’t do anything about them now – so I boxed my feeling and basically forgot about them. I couldn’t understand why I felt so upset and angry, I suspose, and why a simply comment had, had such an effect on me. After joking with Chris that I was going to bed early to make sure my mouth didn’t get my arse into trouble (nothing unusual in that unfortunately), that’s was exactly what I did. It’s difficult finding space to be alone when you share a house with other people, but I needed that last night. I wanted to be by myself, I didn't want anyone bothering me - I needed to think things through. I just said I was tired and as everyone keeps harping on that I’m looking tired lately, it was just accepted – no fifty question. I’ve woken up this morning feeling exhausted – but in a funny way, happier – I found the answers I was looking for, so I guess I've moved on another step.